The Elastic Heart and Starting Over

When I first saw Sia’s Elastic Heart video earlier this year, I cried. The imagery evoked such deep feelings, I couldn’t do anything but put the video on repeat and sob. The warring performance of “ones self” by Maddie Ziegler and Shia Lebeouf is thought-provoking, raw and incredibly powerful. It’s the kind of art that stays with you for a very long time.

Recently, I have had this song and performance running through my mind. Something about it is championing my inner self, my current state of being. I have been in an intense transition and transformation this past year – a season of unadulterated growth. And let me tell you, it’s been ugly and a bit embarrassing. I am supposed to be entering the height of my career, and instead I am intentionally starting over. Letting go of what I know, what I do well, and stepping away from the people I hide behind. For me to thrive, I must meet face-to-face with desperation and vulnerability. Stripped down, pushing through the blinding wind in search of the cliff side where I will inevitably jump.

My complacency and fear of failure has disallowed real change in my life. The kind of change that pushes me well past my comfort zone. I won’t lie, I love control. I love knowing everything before moving forward. But I also love the rush of the unknown. Beautiful, organic movement that takes me to unforeseen places. I crave that freedom, yet all too often, I take the safer paths. I dream about Thailand, but I get as far as Atlanta. My mind has always been polarized, a tumultuous playground of desire and restraint. But as of late, I have had no choice but to push the restraint aside. The “desire” has become greater than my controlling self, shaking me like a rag doll and screaming “Wake up! I’m starving!”.

So here’s to letting passion triumph over what is safe and intentionally starting over.

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